kick me under the table all you want, i will shut up (but not for long)

a confession of fears & the difference between capital T truth/lowercase t truth

unlike fiona apple, if i’m kicked under the table, i will shut up. i don’t love that this is true but it is, indeed, reality and the truth. but let me tell you something about the difference between Truth and truth really quick—stay with me here, alright?

i believe this is something about me that over time can change and slowly already is changing, that i will someday stop letting people walk all over me. there will be ebbs and flows and the process won’t be linear by all means (which is all part of the healing process—more on this in future musings), but this is something in my power to change. it is the truth right now that this is my reality, but it doesn’t have to be, and won’t always be, and because this is something that is already being altered, it’s just the truth for now. whereas, if it were the Truth, it would be something everlastingly existent, and sort of universally accepted. letting people walk all over me is not something i want to let happen forever to the point where people know that i will let them whether i want to or not. they would then know that they can take advantage of me, and that i won’t do anything about it. this is unfortunately my truth now, but won’t always be.

quite honestly, i think the only Truth about myself that i’m particularly certain about is my adoration of fiona apple and that she will always be an important part of who i am, even if i undergo periods of listening to her less/engaging with her less. i think as humans we are meant to be changing all of the time and a scarce amount about us is ever 100% certain—i purposefully didn’t say nothing about us is ever 100% certain, because that simply isn’t true—even though it’s a small amount of sureness, it still exists and is not meant to be ignored or brushed off. there are things about us that we know will always be True in our lives before we die. the rest of the things we may think we know (or fully embrace that we don’t know) are our truths, and some of them may even become our Truths and we won’t know it until we are in our final days of existence. and so often of the time, these things are hidden in plain sight and we realize them at the most unconventional times, and when we do finally realize, it feels like coming up to the surface and breathing in the fresh air for the first time when we weren’t even sure we were drowning in the water.

so, yes—david foster wallace was onto something when he spoke of capital T truth vs. lowercase t truth. i thoroughly enjoyed all the discussions held about it in my junior year honors critical theory & literature class, where we focused on many a philosophers, classic and contemporarily classic. i believe that his words are the truth—they are my Truth, but not everyone’s. i don’t think he would believe his words on these concepts would even be the Truth, but to me, they are.

these thoughts are comforting to me because oftentimes, the thought that i am the villain in someone else’s story haunts me, especially so conveniently at night when i’ve done everything i possibly can to unwind and finally be ready to let my exhaustion overtake me and lead me to peaceful, safe slumber. so often have i let people walk all over me with their worn and dirty shoes, their grimy hands, their unknowingly tantalizing words that they spit to my face. so often have i cared more about these people and their feelings than my own, telling myself “i can bear this by staying and being pretty miserable and frustrated and i’ll be pretty fine, but who knows what’ll happen and how they will feel if i up and leave.” i’ve dealt with some pretty horrible people who i really hope have changed or are on the path to doing so, because god we were just kids. we were confused and hurt and trapped in our adolescent bubbles. it’s no excuse for their, to be quite frank, shitty behavior—but it’s a reason. i truly, wholeheartedly believe people can change. that’s my Truth, and maybe that isn’t yours and that’s okay.

but of course, some people will never change, or what they had done weighed too heavily to give them another chance after they’ve changed. that’s okay, too—a wise friend recently told me that they learned it’s okay to forgive people to a degree. there are some people i forgive 100%, and some i forgive 30%, and anywhere outside and in between. but i often wonder where i stand with the people i’ve hurt.

the only times i can think of that i’ve hurt anyone is when i have had to end a friendship, which i have only done outwardly three times (the rest have ended naturally over time by drifting, or the other person went and ended the friendship). the friendships were unhealthy and making me miserable and bringing nothing of value to my life—two out of three of them were even actively doing and saying pretty disgusting things to me and i didn’t feel safe nor comfortable. one of them i’m positive has forgotten about me—i only even remember of his existence once every couple of years, really, and then i quickly forget again as i wish him well. the other, i’m sure, if he has people to spin his webs of lies to, does so and still thinks and speaks of me. i don’t say this with ego—in fact, i wish this wasn’t the case but i know somewhere within me that this is the truth. i know that he knows i was nothing but a good friend to him but because i for once did something to take care of myself, he couldn’t bear with that and it makes him feel better about himself to paint me to be someone who he’s glad is out of his life. the Truth is, i still wish him well, and i always will. i will never, ever let him back in my life and i know for a fact that our paths will never cross again—but i do wish him well. part of me knows he never meant to hurt me, he was hurting himself and dragged me down with him, but another part of me knows that he, at times, knew what he was doing and i cannot forgive him for that. i am still trying to get back the nights of sleep that i lost so frequently when he was in my life. i am still trying to convince myself that i do the best i can for people and that what i am able to give is enough, or even more than enough. i am still trying to learn that i don’t owe anyone anything, especially when it comes to fondness. i don’t have to like everyone. but i think about this person more than he probably thinks i do, and i wish him the best. i hope he can turn his narrative around and quit his belief that the world has turned its back against him.

a picture of me during that time of my life. so many people saw this picture and said i was glowing, but i truly think you can see the struggle on my face here

even still, reminiscing upon these friendships is enough to make me feel like i am back in them. i cannot help but wonder what they think of me and i shouldn’t care and i don’t, but deep down, i do and i think even when i’m thirty and pursuing my dream life, i’ll still quietly wonder for a moment while i’m making french toast for my partner in the morning before i leave our home for the day whether it’s to the market, a friend’s house, the seaside, or the bookstore i’m inevitably going to establish and own one day. i’ll turn around and serve breakfast with a smile and no one will ever know about the pang of guilt that just rushed through me, and even i’ll have forgotten about it a few minutes after i arrive at wherever i need or want to be for the day.

but my god, i don’t want to be a person who anyone thinks of with such disgust. i could care less if someone thinks of me and laughs a little because i annoyed them back in high school or if they’re still a little sour that our friendship didn’t go anywhere (i uphold so many friendships to the point where it’s impossible to give each and every one the same exact energy and this is amazing but exhausting, more on this in a future rambling), or maybe even i said something that came off in a way that i didn’t mean for it to and it still stings a little, or maybe even being someone that someone wants to hang out with once a year and keep it at that, or maybe i even just get on their nerves for no reason. i’m okay with that—not everyone has to like me and it’s the Truth that not everyone likes me and i’ve come to genuine terms with that. but i spend days and nights truly wishing i haven’t hurt anyone in the ways that i’ve been hurt. i believe i’m too cognizant for this to be the case, too aware of others and their feelings, but this fear very much consumes me more than i’d like to admit, though it feels extremely therapeutic to admit.

my deep care of what other people think of me will always exist within me, i’m pretty sure. even if i’m able to work through most of it, i’ll always put on an outfit and excitedly rush off to class and see what my peers say about it. and i think that’s okay, to want that sort of approval from time to time—to me, it goes further than an ego boost but it’s more-so a confidence boost that i am expressing myself in the ways and to the extent that i truly yearn to. it’s a sign that i’m showcasing myself for people to see and that they like what they see—that matters so much to me, and i think it’s okay and human to feel this way and to care about others’ perceptions in this context. i think, though, as i’m getting older and realizing that i’ve begun to shape my life in the ways i want to as if it were clay that has been gifted to me to shape and mold, i realize that i don’t want to surround myself with people who don’t make me feel excited to wake up and go see them. i don’t want to constantly worry more about how other people feel and neglect my own emotions and needs because then, i’m wasting the life i was given, and i am not even living life for myself. as much as i worry about hurting people, i worry even more about wasting too much time thinking of others and dragging myself down in the process, not even knowing who i am anymore.

if you struggle with this too, here’s a list (yay, lists! one of my many trademarks) of things to remember and/or do that have helped me to work through it:

1. the people that truly love you, care for you, and that are meant to be in your life will always understand when you need to cancel a plan for whatever reason. i’m not saying you won’t sting them a little bit because oh, you will eventually, but not always and not right away. but they will always be willing to work through things and hear your side and share theirs and find a solution because they care so much about you to not give up on you so easily. but most of the time, they’ll smile at you and encourage you to do what’s best for you even if that doesn’t include them. the people that are meant to be in your life should emulate the warmth of a fireplace in the wintertime—cozy, bringing you back to a standard and comfortable temperature after the really cold and miserable days, and always there to confide in if you just ask them to be (if you start a spark!) or if you, like me, prefer the cold—they should feel like a cool breeze on an unbearably hot day that cools you down and helps you feel better.

2. get off your electronics for a bit. trust me, your true friends can wait and after you apologize for being gone for a bit (which, you shouldn’t have to, but i feel better doing so too), they will say something along the lines of “it’s okay! i’m glad you were able to do that for yourself, never feel like you have to get back to me right away. how are you now?”). remind yourself that you are the only person guaranteed to be there for yourself and it’s worth, and needed to give yourself love and care, yes, the exact same love and care you give to others, except tenfold when it comes to giving to yourself. it’s okay to prioritize your existence and, you absolutely should! it’s okay to not acknowledge anyone else’s existence for a little while.

3. find your home(s) away from home. i am always finding new ones, but i will always feel at home at the den cafe (ca), disneyland (ca), grace m’s house (ca), the bourgeois pig (il), anna g’s apartment (il), and open books (il). there are many more places, and a plethora of people but you guys know who you are. <3

4. why do you guys think i love books, let alone love books the way i do? yes, i naturally love literature and the deeper meanings of prose but the escape into another world is actually healing. it’s understandable to not like reading, but i genuinely believe if you find the right books for you that you can immerse yourself in to the point where you forget you’re even reading, it will help even more than you may think. it’s nice to leave our world and responsibilities behind for a bit. and, don’t try to give escapism a bad rep—we all, to some extent and in differing ways, daydream about other possibilities of what life could look like in other worlds and even this one.

5. put a record on and wear nothing but your underwear and a big shirt and bake something. no, don’t listen to music from your phone (if you really have to, at least use a speaker), put a record or a cd on! and dance around while you’re waiting for the oven to preheat and as you’re mixing and as you’re waiting for your goodies to be done cooking.

6. go get yourself a little sweet treat! i think this advice will always be given from me no matter the situation. go get your favorite coffee that’s only served at one coffee shop or your favorite donut or your favorite italian ice from target or a book you’ve been meaning to read or the kitchenaid you’ve been needing, whatever it is. you deserve it. now listen i don’t believe this in the unhealthy way but when blair waldorf said “whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop” i’ve never agreed more. a hot chocolate from critter country at disneyland when i’m in california or one from volumes bookcafe when i’m in chicago or buying myself a record i’ve been searching far and wide for heals me a bit.

7. take a bath. shower beforehand if you need to, i don’t care—just take a bath, seriously! go to lush beforehand and get a bath bomb or a bubble bar or even just a soap, something of those sorts and put on some jazz or your favorite slower music and turn the lights off—let candlelight be your only light (it’s not a fire hazard if you’re careful about the placing of your candles).

8. call a friend up that brings you unbridled joy and make plans to meet up later that day or even in an hour. spend time with someone who makes you feel like you matter (because, you do!) and who you have fun with and can laugh for hours with and talk about devastating things with and who you could spend hours with and just lost all track of time. you deserve a reminder that you are an amazing person with friends who do care and treat you right.

9. be a tourist and/or get lost in your own city for a bit. seriously—explore that neighborhood you always drive by or walk by or ride the train/bus by or bike by etc, but never explore it. or better yet, use whatever means of transportation you have and have no destination in mind, only stop and explore somewhere when you feel called to, no matter where it is. of course though, just to be safe make sure someone has your location. stay safe out there!

10. i know this is far easier said than done, but just cut whoever makes you feel like dogshit off. they don’t deserve you, and you deserve better. at the end of the day, your feelings matter more—you can’t spend your whole life catering to others and forgetting about yourself before you’re inevitably going to be less trusting of potential new friends and also not be the happiest you can be, nor the best version of yourself you can be.

to part, here are some wise words from 6 or 7 year old david foster wallace himself (yes, he wrote poetry! not enough to fill a book, but he did!):

Vikings oh! They were so strong

Though their warriors won’t live so long.

or a long time they rode the stormy seas.

Whether there was a great big storm or a little breeze.

Their ships were made of real strong wood

As every good ship really should.

If you were to see a Viking today

It’s best you go some other way.

Because they’d kill you very well

And all your gold they’ll certainly sell

For all these reasons stay away From a Viking every day.