if we're being honest

at least, i always like to be.

it’s a new year, and it’s been months since i’ve last written something here. the new year is all about reflection, setting goals and intentions, and honesty, so let me be honest with you all.

i have not written nor completed anything since august 20th.

it saddens me to admit such a thing, but all my writing has been confined to my journals which are, for the time being, locked away from the public eye. i did begin to dabble in fanfiction once again as of recent (thank you izzy hands from our flag means death, and do not fret about it having ended! i’m sure you all are familiar with the save our flag means death movement right now and we are making progress and have much hope for it to continue), but i’m still not quite satisfied with what i’m creating. i find myself staring at my blank screen for hours, the most i’m able to come up with being a sentence or two that i eventually end up erasing and then starting the piece anew entirely, but never really starting it over again. even right now, my arms ache just a bit because i’m not used to writing so much. i’ve even begun to mix up “to” and “too”, which is my absolute worst nightmare and i can’t believe i’m even willingly saying this.

murakami once said that he doesn’t believe writer’s block exists, and i’ve responded to this on here, too. i completely agree with him, but at the same time, there do come points in time where inspiration doesn’t seem to strike as it usually does. i understand wanting to wait until you have a story to tell, but what if that doesn’t happen until i’m sixty? i know i have stories to tell, i know i do, but i just can’t quite place them and that makes me utterly frustrated. i have begun to doubt my abilities as a writer, which i never thought would happen.

but murakami also writes every single day, for hours, too. how is it that he has all of these stories to tell every single day for hours on end? or does he really secretly just ramble on until his words string together and form the story he’s trying to tell? going into a new year, i really would like to practice writing every day, even if it isn’t perfect, because it isn’t going to be. and i’m going to learn to accept that. but forming the habit of writing every day may just help me find my rhythm once again. and, admittedly, my first few months of sophomore year of college were quite rough and i didn’t have much energy to be inspired. but i know upon my return, that will not be the case. winter is when i thrive. winter is the optimal time for new beginnings, inspiration, motivation, coziness, trying new things, being pushed out of your comfort zone (but not in ways that violate your boundaries or core comfortability—protect your peace, always), and most of all, seeing the roads ahead and abandoning the old ones in order to truly grow and experience joy.

i think some fear lingers—fear forming in thoughts such as “what if i’m not good enough?”, which often restricts me from picking up a pen or opening a new document, or even sliding some lined paper into my typewriter. but one thing i’ve come to learn as someone who consumes a plethora of media and not just creates it—there will always be someone out there who appreciates your work. i’ve often been flabbergasted when certain friends don’t love a book or film like i did or even really experienced it in the same way that i did. but there have been others who even if they experienced it differently, still adored it just like i did, and there are even those who experienced it so similarly to me, and either enjoyed it greatly, not at all, or a normal amount. it’s all about reaching different types of people—we are all from different walks of life, after all, and certain creations are going to resonate with some more than others. but, my point stands—there will always be someone out there who appreciations your work and what you have created. so many of our favorite artists from multiple medias have expressed distaste toward their own work which others absolutely love. we as artists have this tendency to get into our own heads.

so, all this being said, i really hope that you all will be seeing more of me in this new year and if not on here as much, then scattered across differing literary magazines and journals and perhaps even finally launching my own. additionally, if any of you are or will be seeking a second pair of eyes on your creative projects, please, email them to me here: laviniaslovelylibrary@gmail.com

i will be more than happy to review your creations and provide feedback if that is what you’d like, whether it be poetry, prose, short stories, novellas, novels, screenplays, play scripts, short films, full length films, music, drawings, sketches, paintings, pottery/ceramics, fashion designs, you name it!

but while i still have you all here, according to me, here’s some of what’s in and what’s out for 2024, just for fun! don’t take it too seriously, just something to part you with, but if you tuned into my radio show you already heard some of these:

in’s

—setting aside at least one day a week to rot in bed or in your home in general

—budgeting

—elliott smith

—comfort over style (this will be difficult for me but it’s essential in these cold winter months)

—rewatching your favorite childhood shows before bed (personally mine is bear in the big blue house and yes, i do relate to tutter)

—going bra-less (i’ve been in this club for a bit now and i’m truly never going back)

—buying that concert ticket (if you’re even thinking about going, do it! you will make the money back, but you will never get to experience that same concert in the future)

—bagels (please chicago friends, give me good bagel place recs because apparently there’s no bruegger’s here?!)

—baked alaska cakes

—night lights

—asking for extensions on projects

—going to the cinema by yourself (bonus points if it’s a matinee! they’re cheaper!)

—clean and taken care of fingernails

—butterfly clips

—jazz (jazz is always in)

—going to operas and the ballet

—asking for help

—swing dancing

—going to a diner with friends at 2 am

—flea and farmer’s markets

—radio shows (catch my radio show ‘girl, uninterrupted’ at 11pm CST on thursday’s on radiodepaul.com!)

—’the nightmare before christmas’ all year round (i’ve been saying this for years!)

—planning your halloween costume months in advance (again, i’ve been saying this for years! anyways, i’m planning to go as neil perry from dead poets society but as puck from when he’s in ‘midsummer night’s dream’.)

—turtles as pets

—having two reusable water bottles—one for home, one for being out and about in the world

—being brutally honest on ratemyprofessor.com

—pulling your phone out as soon as the credits of a movie roll to log it and accompany your rating with a silly little one-liner you thought of five minutes in

—owning multiple journals for multiple purposes

—calico critters

out’s

—microwaving hot chocolate (it doesn’t even taste good and it only takes a few minutes to just boil it on the stove, or use an electric kettle or anything but a microwave!)

—doing schoolwork at home (genuinely, separating your work space from your rest space makes all the difference. plus, you may even make more connections this way! which will motivate you to go to your favorite spots and do some work)

—overhead lighting

—being ashamed of crying

—apologizing to your therapist

—taking it personally when a friend cancels a plan (sometimes i just want to stay in bed or just go to my favorite bookstore by myself, i never know how i’ll be feeling the day we planned to hang out. please don’t take it personally)

—starting shows but never finishing them

—drying your hair with straightening irons (please, no hair damage!)

—forcing yourself to try new foods even if you aren’t feeling like it (additionally, forcing others to try food. suggest it once with a kind smile: “would you like to try this dish i made?” and if they aren’t up for it, leave it alone. seriously. it isn’t personal.)

—trying too hard to impress people (what you already have to offer to this world is beyond good enough)

—lying about media you’ve consumed

—coffee/tea/cocoa and other specialty drinks from chain places (they taste so much better independently made, i swear the secret ingredient is love, and are cheaper most of the time)

—worrying you’re cringey (we all are to some capacity and it’s what makes us endearing and funny and unique! to be cringe is to be free!)

—packing peanuts and styrofoam (they make the worst, most overstimulating noises to man and the texture of both are absolutely horrific, surely there must be better alternatives. they are also both awful for the environment)

—cruise ships

—hating on twilight

—not liking the rain

—crosley record players (mine failed me after seven loyal years of service. get a record player that’s more long-lasting!)

—target (i know they have everything but i can guarantee you it’ll be cheaper at trader joe’s and/or tj maxx! seriously, watch your grocery/kitchen tools etc bill go down from $60 to $30 whenever you get groceries)

—holding back how you feel (you love someone? tell them! you don’t enjoy having someone in your life? spare yourself and them! someone did something that frustrated you? they will never know if you don’t tell them. someone inspires you? i’m sure they’d love to hear that and i’m sure you inspire them too. you’re proud of someone? i’m sure they need to hear that.)

—going to bed past midnight (it’s just not fun anymore and only makes me feel even more exhausted)

—21+ jazz clubs (please lower it to 18+! i do not want to drink even but i do want to get all dressed up and go dancing to some jazz, why must i be 21+ to do that?!)

—expensive thrift stores