holding onto light in the darkness
we have finally reached the time of year where i feel i flourish the most! yet, everything right now is terrifying and draining, and that is putting it lightly. so, here i am. i want to put positivity and sunshine back into our lives, at least for the time being. it is incredibly important to speak up on all that is happening in the world right now, but it is also important to take care of yourself, take a deep breath and distract yourself when you need to, and to not give up hope. by all means, scream, cry, do what you need to do.
early autumn this year was unfortunately rough. i never thought i’d find myself saying such a thing, but here we are. i’m not here to complain about it, though—yes, the writing that i put out into the world is essentially like an extension of my diary at this point, but there are definitely certain things that will stay in my actual diary, my mind’s archives. not that i’m secretive, but i am all about moving forward, or at least trying to. i find myself wallowing and dwelling on feelings and experiences a bit too much, though at the same time, i will always be one to advocate for a good wallow session when you need it. we have tragically conditioned ourselves to move forward quicker than we’re really ready to because we feel pressured to by others, because it seems like that’s what everyone else is doing and it’s what is expected of us, especially in places of responsibility. let yourself feel what you feel and for however long you need to. at the same time, don’t let yourself feel stuck in it, either. you will eventually need to pick yourself back up and keep going, but at your own pace. you can keep going. you will survive this. even if all you managed to do today is get out of bed, that’s huge. keep moving forward, as lewis in meet the robinsons often says, and i really do live by this (i am a lot like lewis, to be fair, but a lot of you have heard that spiel already so don’t worry, you’re being spared).
this time of year, today especially, is the ideal time to think about what keeps you going. i know for a lot of people, november can be a bit of a drag with things like finals and honestly just waiting for christmas to roll around. i used to tease people for celebrating christmas too early, as someone who didn’t consider it christmas until december 1st, but i get it now. it really is something to plan ahead for (especially with gift giving) and even just decorating your space for it can bring in so much joy! so do what makes you happy—enjoy november, but anticipate december too if that’s keeping you going. this month is the ideal time to be a bit more intentional about practicing gratitude, especially in the moments where you’re feeling exhausted and burned out, waiting for time to pass, the sun setting early has you down (personally, this is one of my favorite parts of this time of year but i understand it isn’t everyone’s! take care of yourselves!), and especially with the year itself almost being over. celebrate how far you’ve come and reflect on what you'd like to accomplish still. it’s never too late to start something.
so, what keeps you going? what are you grateful for? i’ll start:
—long walks in the cold. putting on a cute winter coat and a scarf to go with it, preferably one big enough to also cover the bottom half of my face, yet still inhaling the cool, fresh air, maybe even stopping in a cafe somewhere to get a warm nutella croissant and hot cocoa and curling up with a good book, preferably either a re-read of something that brings you comfort or something new entirely that you know will be thought provoking. one of my re-reads will consist of durable goods by elizabeth berg, and i recently just finished elif batuman’s the idiot (both authors have e.b. initials! how fun.) i have a funny story for you all about the idiot, though. no pun intended, but i may be the idiot here. i recently also finished either/or by elif batuman a few weeks ago, finally, and it was one of the most stunning, resonant books i’ve ever had the pleasure of reading and getting lost in. i have never seen myself in a character more than i have seen myself in selin. the way that she navigates the world, especially guided by her literature syllabus (and the books that are chosen nonetheless, especially pushkin’s eugene onegin?! it’s just perfect!) is so similar to myself (i’m going to refrain from saying much else, because i may or may not have a full review in the works…). yet, there were moments in it that i felt had missing pieces, even though i was still able to follow what was happening, care about the characters, and enjoy the story. the “missing pieces” even contributed to the tone of the story for me. well, dear readers, guess what? either/or is the sequel to the idiot…i can’t believe i didn’t know this! i remember eyeing the idiot for years now, but i guess i was drawn to either/or first and a little bit more. i think i even liked reading either/or first. this was such an interesting experiment, which i’ll be reporting on fully soon.
honestly just having books as a resource at all, whether for knowledge or comfort or both, is so rewarding and i am more grateful for it than i can even begin to express. especially right now, and always, books are such an important way to stay informed and educated. i know over my winter break, i will be starting to make my way through some banned books especially. censorship is the death of freedom. right now, in this time of uncertainty and anger, we need to read. read books by queer people, read books by people of color, read books by women.
—laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and i can’t breathe a little bit. bonus points if i’m bent over laughing so hard that no sound comes out. i forget what that feels like until i feel it again and it’s enough to make me forget all my troubles for just a moment. so many of my friends easily get me to this point and it’s even better when they’re also laughing that hard, and then we laugh even harder because the other person is. it warms my heart, and that’s not an expression—it actually, physically warms my heart.
—wrapping myself in a warm blanket after being extremely cold, especially if i’ve just come back home after a long, chilly day. there is just something about that feeling that emulates such a safety and comfort. i love a soft, plush blanket.
—when one of my favorite musicians releases an album out of nowhere. well, it’s not usually out of nowhere but sometimes it is—though, i may just not have seen the publicity for it, and that makes it such a surprise—a pleasant one, but a surprise. the joy i feel when i wake up and see that i have a new album to listen to when i had just been wishing for whichever artist to give us more of their magic to listen to and experience, and they deliver? there’s nothing like it.
—spontaneous hang outs and/or calls. especially in the past few weeks, i have been calling my friends a lot, and even receiving calls from friends and being checked up on. it makes me feel thought of and all warm and fuzzy inside. if you’re thinking about someone, just call them. don’t even ask beforehand, and it doesn’t matter how long it’s been—just call them, let your name pop up on their screen. the worst thing that can happen is they don’t answer because they’re busy or didn’t see it. they’ll call you back when they can, and when they’re ready to. leave a sweet voicemail for them to listen to before they do. you don’t know how happy i get when i see i’ve gotten a new voicemail. i don’t delete a single one. voice messages over text work too if you ever don’t have the energy to call.
—coloring; this one has come as such a surprise because i’d always laugh whenever anyone suggested i color when i’m anxious or sad. it just never helped me. but if you find a really cute coloring book—or even some free pages! if you subscribe to the miffy newsletter, you get sent a few free miffy themed coloring pages, they are adorable and keeping me going (miffy, please sponsor me)—you can just turn your brain off a bit, put on some music (records and cds are my recommendation right now, just to keep you moving a bit while you color, and to have your listening experience feel a bit more special) and just fill in the lines with whatever colors your heart desires. hang up your creations on the fridge with your favorite magnets like your parents used to do when you were a kid. better yet, make your own magnets! all you need is a bucket of crayola’s air dry clay, which i found for $3 at target and you get a lot of it, and you can make basically anything you want. pinterest has some nice inspiration, as always! then you just buy a pack of magnets, which shouldn’t be more than $10, and attach them, as well as paint the clay itself once it dries, i’d recommend acrylic because watercolor isn’t going to stick. this is even a fun activity to do with loved ones.
—watching movies, especially going to the movie theater. oh my god i can’t advocate for this enough! the dim lighting, extremely buttered popcorn, the silent sense of community. there isn’t anything else like it. there’s an anonymity to it. this is one of the spaces where you won’t be watched, but the collective’s attention is captured all by the same thing—a story unfolding in front of us all. isn’t that remarkable? go to your favorite movie theater, bonus points if it’s locally owned (tickets will probably be cheaper anyway, if that sways you further!) and sink into your leather or velvet seat and escape for a few hours. i’m a big fan of velvet seats, personally.
it’s also always great to just curl up somewhere familiar, like in bed or on the couch or wherever your favorite spot is at home and just watch something there, especially a favorite. here are some movies that always get me through:
• the holdovers (2023). i know, i know, i don’t shut up about it ever. but that’s for a reason, though a love letter to this one may be in the works so just go watch it! who am i to spoil it anyway?
• the fall (2006). please please please support this one! tarsem, the brilliant director, almost went bankrupt making this movie. it truly was a labor of love and one of the most thought provoking, heartwarming stories i’ve ever seen. talk about finding light in the dark! this just recently had a theatrical re-release, which i was so lucky to get to see twice. i feel like everyone regardless of what genre of movie they like will find something in this to appreciate.
• cinderella II (dreams come true) (2002). i do not get the hate that this movie gets. all three stories are so much fun and so sweet! this movie carried me throughout my childhood. seeing anastasia become a kinder person and find love was so pivotal for me to have seen as a kid, to see that people can change for the better and be forgiven. i will still love it every single time, just as much as the first. it doesn’t always have to be so serious and deep (try telling that to a bunch of letterboxd users…i say even as one of them myself)
• a rainy day in new york (2019). i can’t quite put into words why i love this movie but oh, i love it. all the characters are sort of insufferable yet so lovable. i feel like this is the closest we’re going to get to a movie adaptation of j.d. salinger’s catcher in the rye and that’s all i’ll say on that.
• twilight: new moon (2009). this is arguably the best of the twilight movies. i mean, come on. one of the most realistic depictions of depression as a teenage girl, the soundtrack, the true introduction of team jacob vs. edward (at least in my eyes). it’s just golden and so comforting somehow.
• the room (2003). please get friends to watch this one with you, even if it’s just one more person! or better yet, see if your local theater has a showing of it. this is genuinely one of the funniest movies i’ve seen in my life for no reason. it’s so quotable and so ridiculous and it takes itself so seriously. i wish i could watch this again for the first time. i want to sit down and have a coffee with tommy wiseau for six hours straight and just pick his brain.
• you’ve got mail (1998). meg ryan and tom hanks are just wonders. nora ephron is such a genius. if you need a cute yet unique love story (and an alternative to when harry met sally after you too have rewatched it more times than you can count), look no further, especially all my fellow book lovers out there.
• along for the ride (2022). this is definitely not for those who don’t enjoy a cheesy rom com. but to me, this is so much more than that. it’s about a girl who strived to be perfect her entire life that she held herself back from living and the summer before she goes into college, she finally starts letting herself.
—being right against the barricade at a concert. there is just nothing like it, being so close to people who have inspired me and influenced me so much, maybe even saved me with their music. i will wait in line outside the venue hours before if i have to. i want to feel the music as closely as i can.
—finding and buying trinkets. a couple weeks ago, i saw that littlest pet shop is back! they have these little blind boxes and i could not resist. yes, i was one of those girls who would make those videos of them in the most dramatic situations, no i was not allowed to upload them to youtube (honestly, thank you mom…). sometimes a random little trinket, especially if it’s linked back to your childhood, can bring such joy. connect with your inner child. get something you’re excited to carry around with you for good luck or to display on a shelf or anywhere of your choosing. let these trinkets be an extension of you. look at them and carry them with you when you need to feel like yourself again.
—museums. the fact that knowledge of all sorts, relating to history, science, art, language, writing, and so much more are easily and readily accessible (for the most part, at least, but this is another discussion to be had entirely. one i’d be interested in talking about at a later date, but just stick with me here) is such a gift and privilege. next time you find yourself curious about something, make a journey out of it, don’t just look it up on your phone. you’re an explorer, a researcher!—and museums may carry more information than you’d expect, then i guarantee you’ll find even more to wonder about through the initial question you had. let yourself go down that rabbit hole. it’s so amazing and interesting to really see how the world and humanity has evolved throughout time.
—photography. my dear friend anna recently re-sparked my love for photography with her own, lovely work. i found my camera as soon i came back to california and i swear i’ve started to see my parts of my hometown and neighborhood in a different, beautiful light!
—my own, cozy apartment. i can’t even begin to explain how refreshing living alone has been for me. i’ve always valued my independence, really for as long as i can remember, so this makes sense. getting to come back to a place i can call my own and unwind after a really long day is one of the most wonderful things i’ve ever gotten to experience. and really, i never get lonely at all (and, peace and love, but i am a bit tired of being asked if i do). i can have people over whenever i want, and can go anywhere i’d like. i really value having my own space. and honestly, i’ve somehow become more organized and tidy since i’ve started to live by myself!
well, your turn! again, what keeps you going in times of darkness? what are you grateful for? i can’t wait to hear about it.
before i let you all go, here are some works you can expect from me in the next few weeks (though, don’t be surprised if the titles themselves change! they will still have the same intended content). i have so much on my mind that i need to put down on pages, and i’d like for my blog to house a multitude of types of writings and musings going forward. as fun as it is to be write in a traditionally personal sort of way, i want to pivot from that a bit but i’ll let my ideas speak for themselves:
—classics re-imagined: elif batuman’s ‘the idiot’ & ‘either/or’ and how they resonated with me
—a project related to kafka. i’m not going to say much else nor give it a name yet because then i’d be giving it away before i can even really properly introduce it. this is actually going to be an ongoing series/project, and i can’t wait to share it with you all!
—i remember my dreams in full detail almost every night. let’s talk about it and what they’ve revealed.
—unnamed novella or even novel! i want to start sharing updates and/or excerpts from this, as i had a recent breakthrough that helped me to realize almost exactly what i should be exploring in my writing especially right now in this stage of my life. i usually am not this vague about my writing ideas, but it’s all still so fresh and honestly a bit fragile, and i want to give this epiphany room to breathe.
lastly, i’ll leave you with a poem that’s been on my mind recently and has become important to me, courtesy of my advanced poetry professor:
A House Called Tomorrow by Alberto Ríos
You are not fifteen, or twelve, or seventeen—
You are a hundred wild centuries
And fifteen, bringing with you
In every breath and in every step
Everyone who has come before you,
All the yous that you have been,
The mothers of your mother,
The fathers of your father.
If someone in your family tree was trouble,
A hundred were not:
The bad do not win—not finally,
No matter how loud they are.
We simply would not be here
If that were so.
You are made, fundamentally, from the good.
With this knowledge, you never march alone.
You are the breaking news of the century.
You are the good who has come forward
Through it all, even if so many days
Feel otherwise. But think:
When you as a child learned to speak,
It’s not that you didn’t know words—
It’s that, from the centuries, you knew so many,
And it’s hard to choose the words that will be your own.
From those centuries we human beings bring with us
The simple solutions and songs,
The river bridges and star charts and song harmonies
All in service to a simple idea:
That we can make a house called tomorrow.
What we bring, finally, into the new day, every day,
Is ourselves. And that’s all we need
To start. That’s everything we require to keep going.
Look back only for as long as you must,
Then go forward into the history you will make.
Be good, then better. Write books. Cure disease.
Make us proud. Make yourself proud.
And those who came before you? When you hear thunder,
Hear it as their applause.