enjoying the moment and yearning for things to come can coexist

this is only my second longest title, believe it or not!

i keep seeing these posts on instagram (i really am trying to stop my doom-scrolling and urge to reach for my phone the moment i wake up, but this process won’t be linear, i know that much and i’ve accepted that it’s okay for it not to be!) with these breathtaking sceneries of autumn and the labels above them reading “can’t wait for the air to start smelling like this”or “when it starts to smell like this outside again” and i have to admit that these are amongst the very few posts that actually bring me a sense of true joy. i feel as though it’s my birthright to adore autumn deeply, not in a way that it’s an obligation but in a way where it just makes sense for me to, i feel as though i am truly an autumn child, perhaps the autumn child (my birthday is on october 1st, i’m not just pulling this out of nowhere! i know that day is what marks the true start of halloween season for a lot of people)—i, like jack skellington, start planning the next halloween on november 1st, sometimes even sooner and that thrills me in ways that i can’t even begin to explain. autumn just brings me this sense of true happiness and sense of belonging that i don’t always feel in other parts of the year, in other seasons, and i often find myself wishing for it again especially in the spring and summer months. but not everyone feels this same way, which i completely understand, but i wasn’t expecting to see comments that say things such as “oh yeah can’t wait for the air to start smelling like depression again” and at first, i couldn’t fathom such a thing. quite honestly, i have never once heard of someone having seasonal depression in autumn, but at the same time, i know it’s valid, considering that seasonal depression can happen in any season, which i’ve only stopped to think about just now—mine occurs in the summer, which i know often shocks people too, as the term i feel like is often associated with winter. but again, it’s called seasonal depression, so none of this should really be shocking at all, yet it still is. there then were more comments of this nature (of course, there still existed fellow autumnal lovers like i throughout all of this), and this one really reached me the most, and was what compelled me to open my blog and start to write this piece at all: “it’s not like we’re going to get this time back, so why don’t we just enjoy summer?”

it bothers me that it doesn’t say when it starts TO smell like this again, but it’s okay, maybe you didn’t notice until i pointed it out just now

it’s not like we’re going to get this time back. i used to have this thought when i would spend quality time with my friends during our hang outs, more so back in middle and early high school. i found myself glancing at the time on my phone as i know it started to near the end of our time together. i would find myself lamenting the fact that we had only two more hours, but now i look back at this and i laugh because now, to me, two hours is a very long time that can be filled with such wonderful memories and things to have done. it’s enough time to grab a sweet treat and sit down in a cafe and chat for a bit, it’s enough time to pop into a couple of the boutiques next door and even treat ourselves to a few things, and it’s even enough time to go on a walk and admire the flowers, feel the breeze lift the hair on the back of our necks, and point out the apartments and houses that we see and can envision ourselves living in. but if i had my middle school self here with me and i told her this, she would just stare at me in disbelief, and i’d understand that reaction even still. but over the years, i’ve learned to cherish every single second i have with the people i love. i find myself looking at the time on my phone and seeing that we have two hours left and i find myself thinking ‘oh, that’s plenty of time still!’ but of course, even now, i find that the ends of the days seem to be creeping up on me faster than they used to and i look back at the day and all that it entailed and find myself truly surprised that all of it breezed by the way it did. though instead of being filled with too much melancholy (some exists even still, of course—i’m only human), i’m filled with contentment. i’m ready for it to have been over and to crawl into my bed and finally put on the film that i had a random epiphany about watching that day and looking forward to whatever my next plan is, while still carrying a deep fondness in my heart that this past day happened, as i had been looking forward to it, too.

it’s not like we’re going to get this time back. i understand this thought especially in relation to now, to summer. before we know it, we’ll be back in our classrooms and coursework will pile up again (have no fear, dear readers—we will be better organized this year! i know it in my soul) and summer will be a near-distant memory. we may not even recognize these current versions of ourselves by then—i know i won’t recognize myself, and i’m not sure what to make of that. we’ll be asked about what we did over vacation and we’ll smile as we tell our stories but our hearts will sink about the fact that it’s over. but, you know what else? our hearts will rise back to the surface and flutter at the possibilities in front of us, the upcoming plans with friends, the smell of cinnamon gracing the air, the pumpkins lining the doorsteps as we walk alongside those we love and point at the apartments and houses we can envision ourselves living in. we’ll always hold the memories we’re making right now in the sultry summer sun close to our hearts while making room for new ones in the crisp autumn air. even when those days we’ve been looking forward to for so long finally arrive, we will still find ourselves looking ahead and yearning for perhaps more of the wintertime festivities—wreath displays on our doors, baking pillsbury holiday cookies (please tell me these are still universally enjoyed! they remind me of my childhood christmases in the early 2000s), seeing items in the shops that our friends have mindlessly pointed out wanting that we purchase for gift exchanges. but we can still hold the current moments dear to us even as we look ahead, just like now—i can lay beside my neighborhood pool, absorbing my copy of call me by your name by andré aciman (i just finished this yesterday and i have so many thoughts—more to come soon!) as my niece and nephew swim and laugh and splash me on occasion, and truly feel fulfilled and at peace in this moment, knowing that this is exactly where i’m meant to be right now but also that i can’t wait to wear my favorite sweaters again and not sweat to death in them and sip on hot chocolates more frequently and again, not sweat to death as i do. i also know that i’ll soon be sitting in my favorite coffee shop right beside my new apartment, wearing my favorite green sweater that reminds me of something neil perry from ‘dead poets society’ would wear and devouring a hot cocoa and fondly reminiscing those moments at the pool, almost even wishing for them to return, for all that free time to return back to me despite how much i complained about not knowing what to do with it and missing having some sort of structure to my life. this all doesn’t haunt me like i know it does some people, and it’s okay to be haunted by it. though i think it’s in our nature to long for the past whilst finding ourselves yearning for the future, yet still holding the present moments dear to us. i think of gil pender in ‘midnight in paris’ (special thanks to my dear friend aidan whom i had the most enlightening conversation about this movie with recently!)—the time he craves to exist in the most is the 1920’s because he thought that this was the golden age of art, as it’s when all of his favorite writers lived and cavorted about with one another. but when he is able to see what this era is like for himself, adriana, a lovely woman he finds himself drawn to, yearns for la belle epoque instead, despite living in this time that gil considers to be the best. but she lives in it, and she wants to be transported back to la belle epoque because that is what she considers to be the best time, and the artists there yearn to be back in the renaissance because that’s what they consider to be the best time! after he realizes this cycle, he’s able to appreciate the present moment much more and even excitedly await his future with gabrielle, the woman he is truly meant to be with and love, as he will continue to work on the writing that he actually wants to do and get to stay in paris, the place he feels he belongs.

it’s not like we’re going to get this time back but we’ll always remember it fondly. we’ll make the most of these current moments and know that we shouldn’t waste our days wishing them away, but we’ll also know that it’s normal, it’s human to crave what lies in store. these two concepts can coexist, and they already do. i’ll remember all the times i got dole whips (seven…i have to get my fill while i’m back in california, as we don’t have them in chicago!) and laughed so hard that my stomach hurt (which i mainly credit to any time i spend with grace) and watched movies that changed my life (here’s looking at you ‘reality bites’) and hugged my friends and their scents clung to me hours after and the words i wrote and the dreams i had and the new songs i listened to that i love and the time on my hands and accept the fact that even in all of these amazing times, i still envisioned these instances and other plans that take place in autumn. and i have these thoughts even in those moments sometimes because i adore those who i spend time with so much that i can’t help but imagine the next time we’ll share together and the upcoming celebrations of how far we’ll have come by then.

i’d love to hear about some of your favorite summertime memories thus far, plans you’re looking forward to fulfilling in the remainder of summer, and what you’re anticipating in the autumn! i’ll start!

(some of) my favorite summer memories that weren’t previously mentioned:

—learning to figure skate! this has been a dream of mine since i was very young, i even had the support of my family as they enrolled me in learn to skate classes but i crawled off of the ice, tears streaming down my face after the first five minutes of the first session and needless to say, i was unenrolled and only have ice skated recreationally since then. but my dear friend maya picked figure skating back up after they hadn’t in years and i shared this with them and they offered to help teach me, so that’s exactly what we’ve been doing and i’m picking it up much quicker than i thought i would. figure skating makes me feel alive and liberated. it feels incredible to have something i can go and do for myself that brings me such a sense of joy and freedom and that i can look forward to multiple times of the week and even share with my friends both in california and chicago.

—disneyland with a friend who recently became a cast member there and is living her dreams! she surprised me with a day to disney with her, and she really is one of the best people to go with especially if you too are passionate about disney—she will keep you entertained with facts that you really would not have known about the parks and disney itself and with her ray of sunshine self in general. she knew i had been feeling down for quite some time and knew that days with her, especially at disney always cheered me up and she went out of her way to make me feel loved, special, and taken care of. i had also never seen the park so empty! it still had an appropriate amount of people to make the place feel lived in, of course, but we were walking right on to indiana jones, matterhorn, the millennium falcon, and even thunder mountain—it was a pleasant surprise! everything about it was perfection and is now one of my favorite disney days i’ve ever had.

—perusing libraries. how do i of all people not have a library card?! you’re reading from liv’s lovely library for goodness sake! never fear, my dear readers, this all will change the second i set foot in chicago again. what a joy it is to immerse yourself in books and even dvds for free! of course, there is something special about getting to permanently own and display your favorite pieces of media, but the way i see it is, after you borrow it at the library, if it really touched you, then you buy a copy of it for yourself. i’m learning to be okay with not loving every single book i read, movie i see, etc, that it’s okay to like it and not love it so that i’m spending a little less money and also have more room for the things i truly love and will love. also, supporting local libraries is so essential! the services they provide to the community are funded this way, and these services benefit many. plus, libraries are always so beautiful. cherish them and what they have to offer!

—reading call me by your name. i’m leaving this at that because i really want to write a fully fledged piece about what this story means to me. i finished it on the train yesterday and i kept re-reading the last paragraph because it, and the entire story really made me feel something. it made me feel so much. i could only longingly stare out of the window after i finished it, so many thoughts swirling around in my head.

—seeing a jazz band perform at a local flea market! i had my own seb from la la land moment, explaining how amazing it was to see the saxophonist bouncing up and down, awaiting the ideal moment to come in with a solo he would improvise, just truly feeling and getting lost in the music and then the moment he finally came in made so much sense and was so satisfying after the anticipation. and the members of the band were around my age, too! jazz is alive and well and not going anywhere and it even exists on streets i didn’t know it existed on.

—seeing ‘the room’ with an accompanying meet and greet/q&a with greg sestero, who played mark! i am still in disbelief over this and meeting him. he was so kind and receptive to questions and i could tell he was proud of what he created (even though i know there was a lot that he endured during the process, i’m yet to read and see ‘the disaster artist’ but i will!). i also just absolutely love getting to yell “spoons!” and throwing them up and behind me every time there’s a portrait of a spoon onscreen and then yelling “water!” every time we see water (it’s often). it’s just so much fun and i love the experience that is this movie. this was also the first time that i saw people get up and toss footballs around during it and oh my god i was laughing so hard! people even got up and started to run around the theater when mark and johnny’s running was taking forever in one scene and it made me so happy to see. it was so cool to see this movie get taken to the next level and i can’t wait to keep going to more of these screenings! this wasn’t my first time but it’s more and more enjoyable each time i go, and greg sestero being there was a true treat.

—all of the sleepovers i’ve had—i will always love a sleepover and the festivities that come with it

—showing multiple friends ‘the holdovers’ and looking over at them and seeing them absolutely adoring it

(some of) what i’m still looking forward to:

—more figure skating trips! so many of my friends have been eager to go with me, and that makes me so happy.

—i’m going on a day trip to la very soon! grace and i will be visiting the griffith observatory, cathy’s corner, and the lighthouse cafe—yes, all ‘la la land’ filming locations! this has been my dream for years. i can’t wait to finally go to a jazz club especially! we also will find our way to the figure 8 mural which is elliott smith’s memorial, i’d like to leave him a loving note on it and get my picture taken and look all cool. i’ll probably wear sunglasses to hide the fact that i’ll be crying.

—my grandpa and i are seeing norah jones perform! she is one of my favorite musicians ever, i even sang her song ‘don’t know why’ for my a cappella audition and got into the group with it. sharing this experience with my grandpa, whom i closely bond about music with, will be full circle and beautiful, even emotional.

and now, (some of) what awaits me in autumn:

—seeing liana flores! i genuinely cannot wait to see her grace the stage and to hear her new music live, in front of me. happy early birthday to me!

—seeing sixpence none the richer—i cannot believe they’re coming back after almost 20 years! it’s going to heal my inner child.

—continuing with my radio show, oh how i miss ‘girl, uninterrupted’

—being back in classes again, i honestly miss it so much. i really do love and value learning and education and i recently realized that i don’t want to stop at my master’s, i want to get my phd! i can’t wait for what i’ll learn and i know junior year will be much, much better, but even still i’m carrying energy and passion from the kafka class i was in and cannot wait to learn other new things (and still continue my learning about kafka, of course, which i’ve still been doing over the summer too). i can’t wait to be in these more advanced writing workshops and to see what everyone else is creating, too.

—honestly, i really cannot wait to wear sweaters and pants again without getting heat exhausted

—a million rewatches of ‘when harry met sally’

—more figure skating!

—i’ll have been alive for two whole decades. isn’t that something?! this birthday is going to be nothing short of wonderful, i just know it already

—so so so many cafe trips

—antiquing

—getting so much pie (french silk is my favorite)

—baking with cinnamon constantly

—celebrating my growth and accomplishments and how far i’ve come, and how much i’ve changed, and continuing to change

—dinner parties! having my own place naturally comes with all of the themed dinner parties i’ll throw for my lovely friends and i.

—on the previous note, having a home truly all to myself for the first time! i want to cultivate warmth, safety, and welcoming energy within it, as well as of course, love. i want it to be somewhere that my loved ones want to be and have a hard time leaving because they love being there so much.

—slowly but surely kicking things off with my theatre troupe, the actors odyssey!

lastly, some media recommendations to part you with:

—reality bites (film). seriously, not to bring this movie up in this piece again but it was so amazing that it replaced one of the movies in my four favorites on letterboxd. everything about this movie is perfect. ethan hawke and winona ryder, just one chance, please!

—both ‘england made me’ and ‘the facts of life’ (albums) by the black box recorder. one of their songs came up on my 90s mix and i loved it so much that i immersed myself in both of these albums the entire time i wrote and i highly recommend them. even in their song ‘child psychology’, right as i wrote the words “my childhood christmases” in this piece, the lyrics said “the christmas decorations were already up.” i love moments like this.

—call me by your name (again, yes! recommending the book, i’m watching the film tonight, but i’m sure i’ll recommend it too)

—the vlog before vlogs existed of the cast of ‘dead poets society’ and their trip to new york city auditioning for the same part in a movie. it’s so much fun and i adore them all so much, they are all such sweet, fun people to be around it seems! dylan kussman (richard cameron) uploaded it. it brought me such comfort and i guarantee it will for you too, to see them all happy and so similar to their characters, too!

—the holdovers (movie). i’ll never stop recommending this movie.

—the song ‘only one’ by cassandra jenkins (song). i am genuinely only 30 seconds into this song as i write this but i already recommend it because it makes me feel like i’m floating. i had to stop writing for a moment because of how beautiful it is and how it’s transporting me. i feel a new obsession coming on.

—midnight in paris (movie). i wrote about it so fondly here, and it’s so worth checking out if you haven’t already seen it especially if you are a writer, painter, musician, or any kind of artist.

—milk fed and the elif life (elif bautman’s blog) here on substack. i specifically recommend caitlyn richardson of milk fed’s ‘things you can do this weekend instead of being on your phone’ and elif bautman’s ‘kafka and brod’ and hey, since we’re here, i’ll also recommend sarah cucchiara of the people’s princess’ 'oh so you’re a thought daughter now? should i call joan didion?’

again, please share some of your favorite times from this summer, things you’re still looking forward to this summer, and what awaits you in autumn! i’d also appreciate media recommendations of any sort, too, i always do.